Category Archives: Humor

Flossie Cheeks Will Rule The World!!!

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Well, it’s been a couple of weeks now and I’ve only just got round to writing about my amazing experience.  That’s very bad of me but, anyway, here it is now – so read on…..

Sometime last year, October I think, someone I knew from burlesque classes told me she was organising a burlesque evening to raise money for the local stroke unit.  She had had a stroke herself ten years ago, at the very young age of 24 and she wanted to give back something to the people and the unit that had been so good to her.  I didn’t know Anna that well at that time, I had helped out with lifts sometimes to and from class but that was about it but I wanted to help her.  It sounded like a colossal feat she was trying to pull off, with no experience of putting anything like this on before.  Neither had I but I wanted to help so I offered.  I thought maybe she would need help with phone calls, or fundraising or on the night, I don’t know really.  What I was not expecting was for her to ask me to perform a dance with her on the night!!!

And so began the adventure…..

Anna had a brilliant idea for a routine that involved her being in a wheelchair and being persuaded to get up and dance by her nurse, a sort of ‘healing’ process if you will.  I was to be the naughty nurse.  Yup, I thought. I can do that. He he.

Together we planned the costumes – Anna making the dresses with the help of a dressmaker friend (on account of her only having the use of one arm!) and me sewing all the fiddly bits on and making our bras and the rest of it.  I had to learn how to insert foam cups inside the dresses to keep them up, I made a nurses apron and covered our bras in sparkle and satin.  I sewed glittery things and I attached tassels to knickers.  It was great!  It felt like all my evenings were spent either sewing or practising our dance.

We choreographed the dance ourselves and had such a laugh along the way, coming up with ideas and rehearsing hard.  We booked  a studio and we filmed ourselves dancing.  We texted constantly, we watched clips of burlesque performers on YouTube.

As time went on it got more stressful for Anna who was negotiating with people, organising the event, from liaising with the venue and compere, sorting out the sounds, finding someone to do the table decorations, getting raffle prizes, selling tickets and generally being thrown in at the deep end.  Harder for her than some with the added problems her stroke had left her with.  Me, I just kept sewing and making Anna laugh.  That seemed to be my job, not a bad one I thought.

And then it was the evening of the event.  We had everything planned to the last detail.  Anna wanted it to be a surprise.  The rest of the evening was full of professional acts, all amazing and gorgeous or funny and quirky but all professional. Anna and I were to come on right at the end with an introduction from Sadie, the compere.  Nobody was to know, except a few who needed to be in on it.

And so we did it.

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We performed to 200 people.

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And it was AMAZING.  The support from everyone was fantastic, and we felt like stars.  I don’t think either of us were under any illusions that we were Dita but that was never the plan.  We were two amateurs, with various physical limitations between us, performing a comedy burlesque routine and we pulled it off!

Along the way, I learned to make costumes and that it isn’t so easy to make something that can be whipped off just at the right moment, particularly when one of you only has the use of one arm, I learned to put into practice all the tips and skills i have found out from the various classes and workshops I’ve attended as part of the Burlesque Jems, and I found out a bit about putting on an event.  Most of all though….I found a new friend.  Anna and I hit it off from day one and we had such fun and so many laughs doing this.  I don’t suppose we would have become such friends if it wasn’t for this and it really was one of the best parts of it all for me.  Anna is an inspiration.  She is strong and determined and she doesn’t let her disabilities hold her back. Those of you who know me, know I have a positive attitude to life and Anna is one of those people too.

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Obviously, we want to do it all again now so…..

WATCH THIS SPACE!!!

And for those of you who haven’t seen us, here is the link:

 

 

Winging it…..

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Today I was very organised.  For me.  

I got up early to switch on my laptop and check that the Powerpoint presentation I had carefully prepared last week looked as good as when I switched off on Friday, in readiness for a two-hour talk to professionals and foster carers about drug use and young people.  To my utter horror, I couldn’t open it.  I had saved it to the wrong drive and the only way I could access it was if I docked the laptop in at work.  No time to go into the office as I had to be in another part of the county in 45 minutes time!!

Fortunately, I had printed off a copy of the slides with the idea that I would jot down some notes over the weekend.  That didn’t happen, obviously, but I did at least have the text I had carefully prepared before me, so I hurriedly typed out another set of slides, jumped into the car and arrived with seconds to spare.  The new Powerpoint presentation lacked the pretty patterns and font that the original had sported but it saw me through the two-hour talk I had to give. Nobody was any the wiser and I managed to appear knowledgeable, professional and confident to all those present.

I thought I had stopped doing that.  Leaving it to the last minute, I mean.  I have got much better in recent years at preparing myself for things.  (I think that comes from living with Mr OCD actually!!) but it has certainly taught me that life is so much easier if you plan ahead.

On the other hand, I actually think I perform better when I leave it all to the last minute.  I get an adrenalin rush from the panic that, I believe, fuels my creativity.  I could be called (and indeed have been called) a procrastinator. I leave things and leave things, choosing to do anything and everything rather than the task at hand until there really isn’t any other option but to do it.  But is this procrastination?  Or is it simply ‘doing other things’?  I prefer to think of it as the latter.  I still manage to pull it out of the bag and it must work for me as I have successfully completed a degree and a masters using this technique….

A tutor on a management course I attended told us there are two types of people – ‘steppers’ and ‘squigglers’.  The steppers follow a set pattern to achieve a deadline, whereas the ‘squigglers’ appear to be all over the place in the process of getting there.  Both arrive in the end.  The steppers find it harder to deal with a setback in their well laid plans whereas the squigglers never had a plan in the first place so can carry on regardless.  That’s not to say it’s plain sailing for the squigglers.  Leaving things to the last minute leaves no room for error.  But that’s quite exciting, really.  Isn’t it?

Isn’t it??

 

 

It’s enough to turn your hair grey!!!

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I have grey hair.  Well, some of it.  It’s been at that awkward ‘salt and pepper’ stage for years.  I only know this because I decided to grow out my colour a while ago in the vague hope that it would suit me to be grey.  To my dismay, it was just a mish-mash of grey and brown in very uneven patches and it looked ridiculous so I went back to dying it.

I dye it myself and I use two colours.  A pinky purple sort of colour for the fringe and black for the rest of it.  I do it myself because it needs doing quite frequently, due to the stupid grey, and it would cost a fortune at the hairdressers.  I’m not too bad at doing it now, I usually do it in two stages and it looks ok.

However, I HATE doing it (that was the main reason for growing it out last year) and it is always a messy business, even though I try very hard not to let it splash…..

So, I was thrilled to discover that the product I use now comes as a ‘non drip foam’.  It is advertised as very easy to use and sounded like the answer for me.

Non drip???  Non drip my arse!!!  It’s EVERYWHERE!!!  I have a permanently dyed black fingernail (despite wearing the gloves!), black ears and shoulders, one black boob and a big  black blob on one foot.  I have tried to wipe every spot I found in the bathroom but I am dreading going back up there in half an hour.  I’m bound to have missed a bit.

And I still have the pink to do…..

My bathroom will look like a Jackson Pollock painting by the time I’ve finished!!!

 

Why you should learn how to shimmy…….

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At the beginning of this year, I started burlesque dance classes.  I wanted some form of exercise that didn’t involve a treadmill or hours of torture on the cross trainer.  I happened, by chance, to see a new class being advertised locally – burlesque!  I was intrigued!  I already loved the whole burlesque thing and owned a couple of corsets but I had never thought of dancing.  I’m not a dancer, I never have been…but I signed up for the taster session anyway.  

It was fun!!!  And although I was under no illusions that I looked like a professional dancer, I still thoroughly enjoyed it.

Over the year, I’ve continued the classes, only having to miss one course because of my surgery.  I hated not being there, I missed my weekly ‘fix’.

Just recently, I took a big step and attended a tassel twirling workshop.  Yes, I got my breasties out!  With tassels, obviously!  After a two-hour intensive workshop, I am proud to say I can twirl ’em to the right, twirl ’em to the left AND twirl ’em in different directions at the same time!!! Amazing!!!  Even more amazing for me as my surgery was breast surgery, the final operation after years and years of surgery.  My boobs are, quite frankly, a MESS!!  I felt quite apprehensive about ‘getting them out’ even if it was just with a bunch of women…but I needn’t have worried.  The class was fun, relaxed and exhilarating all at the same time.

That weekend, I truly understood burlesque, I think.

I’ve now signed up to do a second class every week and in October I’m going to be performing in our first ever CABARET!!!!!!

My fellow ladies are all such lovely women and our tutor, Jem, is more than just our tutor….she’s the ‘leader’ of the wonderful burlesque community that she has created.

I still look ridiculous when I dance.  My various problems mean I just can’t do some of the moves like others can.  But, when I dance, in my head….I’m gorgeous.

And THAT’S what it’s all about.

Are you LISTening? Then I’ll begin…..

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Having just said I wanted to write about more serious stuff on my blog, I just needed to update you on a few things first.  I’ve written a list:

1. Burlesque dancing

It’s going well. I am still rubbish at it, I will never master the art of shimmying whilst dipping and I am more Rita von Cheese than Dita von Teese but that doesn’t matter.  It’s fun, the girls are lovely and I get to wear frilly stuff.  There is a possibility I will even perform later this year with the group!!!!

2. Italian classes

Yup, finished the classes and have been to Italy since.  I wasn’t sure how much I would use the stuff we learned in class.  I didn’t feel the need to ask anyone where the museum was or what time the next train to Milan left.  However, I found that the basics I did learn gave me the confidence to try and speak the language and to ask the locals how to say the things I didn’t know.  I’m pretty much fluent now…… And Italy was beautiful, as always

3. Gym and my personal trainer

Oh forget that.  I never intend to set foot in a gym again as long as I live

4. Transport

I got a new car.  Well, not brand new but new to me.  Her name is Bunty and she is a Mini.  I’ve never had the inclination to name a car before but I do actually love this one.  And she goes!!!

I am sure I have more to tell you – but I won’t do it now.  I’ll save it for next time

And anyway, I am just in the middle of writing a list on things I need to do

A tale of two apples

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List of U.S. state foods

This is my second post for the  100 Word Challenge – a great idea that encourages bloggers to write a post every week, using a set format.  Follow the link for more info and join in!  (It is also my 100th post, incidentally!!!)

Anyway, here is this week’s offering:

Once, when I was in Tesco’s, I bought an enormous bag of apples.  The label on the bag said ‘Empire Apples’.  However, when I got home, I found that I had bought a bag full of YELLOW apples! Empire apples are not yellow, in fact they are rather small, quite crisp, green in colour and sharp to taste. These apples were yellow, with a pappy sort of texture and sweet in flavour. ‘This is a Golden Delicious apple!’ I thought to myself.  ‘How dare they try to fob me off like this! I know my apples!!’  What a blooming liberty!!!

The Italian Circle

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Last night I had a surreal experience.  Not my MOST surreal experience ever, but certainly for this year.

After our Italian classes finished a few weeks ago, I kept in touch with one of the girls I met there.  We had been told about a local group that met monthly to talk about all things Italian with guest speakers and, when we found out this month there would be a speaker talking about Italian cuisine, we arranged to go together.

We had no idea what to expect but I had visions of cultured, sophisticated, sociable people standing around drinking wine and munching on nibbles,  laughing and talking with maybe the odd bit of Italian thrown in.  I envisaged them being very cosmopolitan and generally, rather cool.   I decided the social niceties would be followed by a brief talk, maybe a few slides, and then some free food.

What actually happened was we turned up early, only to be greeted by an elderly couple who couldn’t have been a day under eighty.   There were a few others already there and not one was under seventy.  There was a long table, behind which the ‘committee’ were sat, offering red or white wine at £2 a glass and a couple of bowls of crispy things.  (Oh and a plate of parmesan, which was later drizzled in really expensive balsamic vinegar, and some panforte, which was actually rather delicious).

Anyway, the room filled up with more octogenarian and then one of the ‘committee’ members stood up and introduced the speaker.  He got all muddled with his microphone so there was a lot of fussing around but, eventually, our speaker began her talk.   Contrary to what I had expected, she spoke about the history of Italian cuisine, going back to the 13th century and it was actually really interesting, along with the slides of paintings she showed  to illustrate her talk.

Half way through the talk, we glanced across at the ‘committee’ table and noticed two of the old dears had nodded off, arms folded in front of them, heads bowed.  I thought my friend may get an attack of the giggles then and wondered how that might go down with our elderly friends.  She managed to contain herself however, and they slept on.  Across the room another woman was fast asleep too and an old gent in front of us looked worryingly dead.  Fortunately, he woke up later, he was just napping.

We were like fish out of water at this event.  Younger than everyone by years.  I supposed I should have known it would be full of oldies, this is, after all, the sort of thing my mother goes to and she is almost 86.

I hope I am as active as these people (and my mum) when I am that old.  It’s almost a shame you have to get that old to be able to go to these things, or so it seems…where are all the younger people, are they just not interested?  I can’t believe it.

I feel a new venture brewing……..

Draw something?

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I am shocked and appalled.  Why?  Because I’ve just logged into my own blog for the first time in ages and noticed that I haven’t posted a THING since February!!  So much for the ‘theme a month’ idea!!

I am not sure what happened to be honest.  Did I run out of ideas?  I don’t think so? Time?  Oh, I never had that in the first place so can’t be that.  Motivation?  Hmm, somewhat.  I guess it goes that way sometimes.

And then there was Drawsomething.

This simple little app for the iPhone has taken over my life!  And I don’t even have an iPhone!  I have a little iTouch and you can play it on that.  It’s just a drawing game, for those of you not up to speed with the what is going on in the world of apps.  But it’s so much fun and terribly addictive.  

So addictive I had to buy an iPad.

Oops.

But the drawings do look much better and I can use a stylus.  

Now, this all sounds very trivial, I know.  A silly little game on an iPad.  What good will come of THAT?

Well, I’ll tell you.  Having purchased the iPad, I discovered another app, ‘Art Set’.  This little programme allows you to paint, draw and sketch using ‘virtual’ tools and different media.  It has blending tools and it is incredibly versatile for what it is.  I’ve just started playing with it and it has totally rekindled my love of art, drawing and creating pictures.

I may have to give up the idea of a writing career/photographer/burlesque dancer and take up being an artist instead now…….

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Traffic Jam Survival tips

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Yesterday I had the unfortunate luck to be stuck on the M25 for the best part of four hours because they had closed the road ahead due to an accident.  At first, not knowing how long I would be there, I sat back and relaxed, listened to my radio and sent an update to Facebook from my Blackberry.  Thank goodness for smart phones, I thought.

I enjoyed the music that was on the radio and, after a little while of sitting still, I decided to practise my dance moves.  Obviously, it wasn’t possible to do the full routine, not in the car, but I did spend a happy ten minutes shimmying my shoulders and boobs along to the music.  I got some looks but I didn’t mind as I was sure we’d all be on the move again soon.

Two hours later we had hardly moved and I had the same ‘neighbours’ as I had when I was shimmying.  I was tempted to have a go at nipple tassel twirling but a)I haven’t done that class yet and b) I didn’t have any nipple tassels.  So I abandoned that idea.

I started to get bored.  My lunch was in the boot.  I didn’t want to get out of the car and walk round to get it as the traffic kept moving a bit, in between standing still.  I ached from sitting down.  I ran out of things to post to Facebook.   I needed a cup of tea.  I needed a wee. I saw men getting out of their cars and going to the side of the road to relieve themselves.  That didn’t help my mood, although I did think of getting out myself as time went by.  I managed to hang on though.  I knew those pelvic floor exercises would come in handy one day.

It struck me that I should put together a ‘motorway survival kit’, specially for times like this.

Alongside the torch, blanket, spade and bottle of water you should have with you at all times, I decided that I should assemble a special little kit just for those times when I am stuck on the motorway, bored shitless with nobody to talk to.  It wouldn’t be so bad if I had company. I was stuck once before on the same road with a male colleague and we played Strip Eye-Spy to pass the time. That was fun…. (luckily we started moving before I had even got to my cardigan).

Anyway, in my kit I thought I would pack:

Tweezers. Not just for tidying the eyebrows.  There are always facial whiskers to remove. It is my main hobby in life these days.

Nail varnish.  May as well paint my nails while I’m waiting.  I never seem to have time for them to dry normally.  Sat in the car, there isn’t a lot else to do….in fact, a whole manicure kit, why not?  Cuticle oil, file, false nails…yes, that would pass the time nicely.

My personal lap top.  Could have written this blog whilst waiting in the traffic, couldn’t I?

Chocolate.  Obviously.

Embroidery, needlework and knitting that I never have time to finish.

Sketch book and camera for those ‘opportunities’.

A sleeping bag, inflatable bed and tent, just in case I need a lie down.

And a bottle of wine. (Ok. That was a joke).

Might have to get a bigger car…..

It has been suggested that I get a ‘SheWee’ for the car, the portable ‘appliance’ for ladies on the move.  Hmm. I’m not sure.  If the lorry drivers were interested in my shimmies, they’d sure as hell be FASCINATED by my SheWee….I think I’ll just keep doing my exercises.

However, I do think I may have identified a gap in the Portaloo market.  How about having someone drive up the hard shoulder with a Portaloo, stopping every so often for 20 minutes to allow the stranded motorists to form an orderly queue and relieve themselves.  For a nominal fee they would be able to ‘offload’ and return to the car and the money raised would pay for the loo roll and Sanigel.  I may investigate this idea further myself.  I am due a career change….

And why stop at Portaloos anyway?  Burger vans, maybe a French Market?  All on wheels obviously so that the owners could set up shop at the drop of a hat, when they hear of a traffic hold up somewhere.

The possibilities are endless….

Domestic goddess I ain’t

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I’ve made the bed, put some washing on, walked the dog and there’s a casserole in the oven.  

I am a domestic goddess.  

Actually, it is so rare that I have to do any of these things it’s quite a novelty.  KD is out all day today so someone had to take on the tasks that he usually does.  The dog finds it very difficult to make the bed with his little paws and he can’t quite reach the oven, so that just left me.

I think I have coped very well. I have also dyed my hair AND managed to get washed and dressed, not forgetting to eat at lunchtime.  Is there no end to my talents?

I will probably sit and have a little nap in a while and then possibly do a bit of knitting. 

It’s a hard life……..