Traffic Jam Survival tips


Yesterday I had the unfortunate luck to be stuck on the M25 for the best part of four hours because they had closed the road ahead due to an accident.  At first, not knowing how long I would be there, I sat back and relaxed, listened to my radio and sent an update to Facebook from my Blackberry.  Thank goodness for smart phones, I thought.

I enjoyed the music that was on the radio and, after a little while of sitting still, I decided to practise my dance moves.  Obviously, it wasn’t possible to do the full routine, not in the car, but I did spend a happy ten minutes shimmying my shoulders and boobs along to the music.  I got some looks but I didn’t mind as I was sure we’d all be on the move again soon.

Two hours later we had hardly moved and I had the same ‘neighbours’ as I had when I was shimmying.  I was tempted to have a go at nipple tassel twirling but a)I haven’t done that class yet and b) I didn’t have any nipple tassels.  So I abandoned that idea.

I started to get bored.  My lunch was in the boot.  I didn’t want to get out of the car and walk round to get it as the traffic kept moving a bit, in between standing still.  I ached from sitting down.  I ran out of things to post to Facebook.   I needed a cup of tea.  I needed a wee. I saw men getting out of their cars and going to the side of the road to relieve themselves.  That didn’t help my mood, although I did think of getting out myself as time went by.  I managed to hang on though.  I knew those pelvic floor exercises would come in handy one day.

It struck me that I should put together a ‘motorway survival kit’, specially for times like this.

Alongside the torch, blanket, spade and bottle of water you should have with you at all times, I decided that I should assemble a special little kit just for those times when I am stuck on the motorway, bored shitless with nobody to talk to.  It wouldn’t be so bad if I had company. I was stuck once before on the same road with a male colleague and we played Strip Eye-Spy to pass the time. That was fun…. (luckily we started moving before I had even got to my cardigan).

Anyway, in my kit I thought I would pack:

Tweezers. Not just for tidying the eyebrows.  There are always facial whiskers to remove. It is my main hobby in life these days.

Nail varnish.  May as well paint my nails while I’m waiting.  I never seem to have time for them to dry normally.  Sat in the car, there isn’t a lot else to do….in fact, a whole manicure kit, why not?  Cuticle oil, file, false nails…yes, that would pass the time nicely.

My personal lap top.  Could have written this blog whilst waiting in the traffic, couldn’t I?

Chocolate.  Obviously.

Embroidery, needlework and knitting that I never have time to finish.

Sketch book and camera for those ‘opportunities’.

A sleeping bag, inflatable bed and tent, just in case I need a lie down.

And a bottle of wine. (Ok. That was a joke).

Might have to get a bigger car…..

It has been suggested that I get a ‘SheWee’ for the car, the portable ‘appliance’ for ladies on the move.  Hmm. I’m not sure.  If the lorry drivers were interested in my shimmies, they’d sure as hell be FASCINATED by my SheWee….I think I’ll just keep doing my exercises.

However, I do think I may have identified a gap in the Portaloo market.  How about having someone drive up the hard shoulder with a Portaloo, stopping every so often for 20 minutes to allow the stranded motorists to form an orderly queue and relieve themselves.  For a nominal fee they would be able to ‘offload’ and return to the car and the money raised would pay for the loo roll and Sanigel.  I may investigate this idea further myself.  I am due a career change….

And why stop at Portaloos anyway?  Burger vans, maybe a French Market?  All on wheels obviously so that the owners could set up shop at the drop of a hat, when they hear of a traffic hold up somewhere.

The possibilities are endless….

Domestic goddess I ain’t


I’ve made the bed, put some washing on, walked the dog and there’s a casserole in the oven.  

I am a domestic goddess.  

Actually, it is so rare that I have to do any of these things it’s quite a novelty.  KD is out all day today so someone had to take on the tasks that he usually does.  The dog finds it very difficult to make the bed with his little paws and he can’t quite reach the oven, so that just left me.

I think I have coped very well. I have also dyed my hair AND managed to get washed and dressed, not forgetting to eat at lunchtime.  Is there no end to my talents?

I will probably sit and have a little nap in a while and then possibly do a bit of knitting. 

It’s a hard life……..

Football Crazy


Not many of you will know this but I was delighted to be offered the position of England Manager yesterday.  Obviously, I accepted.

This offer came after the sudden resignation of Fabio Cappello who had struggled to take the team to victory during his time as manager.  I have one or two theories as to why this was but I think the most glaring fault was his inability to say “At the end of the day” or “The boys dun good”, both ESSENTIAL phrases within the footballing world, I am sure you will agree.

Anyway, I don’t want to go on about what Cappello did wrong as it is time for a new phase in the life of the England team.  


I have already ordered the pink kits (to be worn at away matches) from Sportsdirect online. I’m expecting them any day (prioritising).

I’ve been shopping for my Press Conference outfit and I have stood in front of the mirror practising my football talk.  Things like, “It was a game of two halves” and “Sometimes in football you have to score goals.”

I am assembling my team and am taking guidance from several close friends who I am likely to appoint as my helpers.  Most of these are keen for Beckham to play but they all want to supervise in the showers so I am a little suspicious of their motives.  I am not sure they have the best interests of the game at heart…..However, we all agreed we will ban spitting and doing that ‘snot’ thing out of your noses.

There was some talk yesterday in the office – yes, I’m going to be a part-time manager. It can be done (not by Harry Redknapp, as some have suggested, as he needs all his strength to take my beloved Spurs to the top, obviously).  However, I am a woman so I can multi-task and I see no problem with doing the day job, fitting in my evening classes AND popping down to see the boys a couple of times a week.Anyway, the talk in the office (with my MALE colleagues) centred around my lack of knowledge of the game, in particular, tactics.  

Look, ok, it’s true, I am not an expert on football tactics. I know what the word ‘formation means’ and I know you have to beat the other side.  I also understand the offside rule, just for the record, although I’ll probably ignore that as it seems to stop a lot of goals getting in.  No, I don’t know everything about football.  But I do like being in charge of things.  And I can spot potential.  And I know how to motivate people.  Personally, I think that is what we need now.

I leave you with a quote from the late, great Brian Clough, one of my favourite ever football managers (apart from Ron Manager, pictured below):

“Players lose you games, not tactics. There’s so much crap talked about tactics by people who barely know how to win at dominoes.”

So, bring it on!

I shall be announcing my team later this week. Providing I haven’t got bored and given the job to someone else in favour of becoming a ballerina or something……..

What I love #2


Today I went on a training day, all about physical health monitoring, something I need to do in my work from time to time.

Anyway, I have a fair idea about various aspects of physical health, being an expert in hypochondria and various real medical procedures and illnesses.

But today I really did learn some new things. I learned how to take somebody’s blood pressure the old-fashioned way, with a sphygthingmometer and a stethoscope, and I learned just what all those things the doctor ticks when you get sent for a blood test mean.  I also found out LOADS about other stuff too that I didn’t know before.

So, this being LOVE month, if you recall, and having already written one post about what I love, the second thing I have decided I love is learning new things, whether it be how to dance burlesque style, the Italian language, or what your liver does.  I just love to find stuff out and stretch my brain cells.

I vowed I would never do another academic course as long as I lived after I finished the last one in 2011.

But I’ve decided

I want to be a nurse now.

Then again.  I wouldn’t have time to dance or practise my Italian, let alone have a social life.  Or work.

So maybe I’ll just forget that idea and think of something less intense.

Perhaps I’ll just blog more!

What I Love #1


I think I can include this next post under the LOVE heading.  It is, after all, something I love…..It could have fitted in nicely with last month’s theme too though, of motivation.  But I wasn’t actually doing it then so it will be fine here…..

What am I on about?


Those people who know me well may have had to read that a couple of times to make sure they hadn’t misread it.   You didn’t. I said EXERCISE.  I love EXERCISE.

For years, I have found it hard to keep myself motivated to do anything physically taxing.  I have been known to park as near as possible to anywhere, to avoid walking and I positively hated the gym.

But, something happened last month. I saw the light.  And now, I am a keep fit convert.  

A Born Again Exerciser.

I’ve had phases of doing different types of exercise, it’s true.  I enjoy badminton and I don’t mind swimming (apart from the getting changed and the getting in and out of the pool. Oh, and the swimming). But recently, something has changed.

I took up a new hobby, burlesque dancing.  I’ve only been twice but I’ve found my ‘thing’.  I love it because, not only do you prance around in a provocative way, looking alluring and sexy (in my head, in my head, ok??) but you also get to wear frou frou outfits, with feathers and lace and SPARKLY bits.  What could be more fun??  I don’t really care about the dancing bit, I just LOVE the attire!  But the dancing is the exercise.  So I’ve cracked it.

However, the more surprising thing, for me, is that I LOVE the gym now.  Well, maybe not the gym exactly, but my personal training sessions.  This love of training was sparked by a television series that is on currently, Fat Fighters (not Fat Losers as I previously wrote. Oops!).  Prior to this, I paid to have a trainer but I dreaded going.  Watching the programme, I was suddenly inspired.  And I texted my trainer to sign up again.  I now go religiously every Saturday morning, a time that suits me.  I realised that planning to go after work was the reason I hated it.  It’s too late for me and the traffic meant I was always stressing about making it in time.  I now get to have a little lie in on a Saturday before going to the gym and waking myself up properly.  It’s great!

But the main point of this post really is that I have a totally different attitude towards exercise.  Instead of being something I HAVE to do to be healthy or lose weight, it is something I do because I WANT to….

I love that

(That’s not actually me in the cocktail glass.  But it could be, one day!)

I love….


I had thought I might write a post about all the things I love for my LOVE month.  But then I realised that would probably be a BOOK and I haven’t really got time to write a book right now (apart from which, do you really want to know about everything I love?   No.  Exactly).  To be honest, I think I’m going to struggle with this topic.  I can’t think of anything that inspires me.

So, instead, for now, I thought I’d just show you my lovely flowers, bought for me by KD earlier this week when I wasn’t feeling so hot. 

Now THAT’S what I love

Be my valentine?


I went shopping for a Valentine’s card the other day.  Well, I was actually on my way to pay for my parking ticket after a gruelling session at the gym but I had to walk past Clintons and I decided to pop in.  I have a bit of a card fetish, I think it is fair to say.  I never buy ONE card.  I tend to buy about twenty quid’s worth…..I just love cards!  Funny cards, selected with someone in mind, for an occasion when I need to send that someone a card.  I keep them for ages until the right time to send them comes.  I often forget I bought them though and go and buy another card for said person. Therefore, I have a lot of cards stashed away….

So, anyway, on Saturday I went into Clintons.  Obviously, they were well into the swing of the Valentine promotion, with fluffy wuffy teddy bears clutching hearts, heart emblazoned mugs, heart-shaped key rings, heart-shaped boxes, heart-shaped balloons, heart-shaped EVERYTHINGS!!!

And lots and lots of cards…

Maybe I have never looked this closely before but, this year, alongside the usual Valentine cards to wives, husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends, were cards to partners (good idea I thought), cards to soul mates (hmmm, that’s not bad either), cards from the dog or cat (um, now you’re losing me), cards TO the dog, the cat, the grandparents, the grandchildren, and your teacher…..


What’s going on?  Since when did Valentines Day expand to include anyone AND their dog??

It’s all got totally ridiculous.  I remember when I was young, it was all about the anonymous card from the secret admirer.

Now, it’s just become yet another way for the card industry to make more money…..

For the record, I will NOT be buying the dog a Valentine card.

(I hope he doesn’t get me one now, I shall feel really embarrassed)

Love is………

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Today is the 1st February, which I have decided is LOVE month on my blog, in keeping with my pledge to have a theme per month throughout the year.

I have no idea what I will blog about yet.  I’m sure I’ll think of something though, since the word love can mean so many different things to different people.

So, while I’m thinking about what to write about, here are some words I found that might inspire me……