Not many of you will know this but I was delighted to be offered the position of England Manager yesterday. Obviously, I accepted.
This offer came after the sudden resignation of Fabio Cappello who had struggled to take the team to victory during his time as manager. I have one or two theories as to why this was but I think the most glaring fault was his inability to say “At the end of the day” or “The boys dun good”, both ESSENTIAL phrases within the footballing world, I am sure you will agree.
Anyway, I don’t want to go on about what Cappello did wrong as it is time for a new phase in the life of the England team.
I have already ordered the pink kits (to be worn at away matches) from Sportsdirect online. I’m expecting them any day (prioritising).
I’ve been shopping for my Press Conference outfit and I have stood in front of the mirror practising my football talk. Things like, “It was a game of two halves” and “Sometimes in football you have to score goals.”
I am assembling my team and am taking guidance from several close friends who I am likely to appoint as my helpers. Most of these are keen for Beckham to play but they all want to supervise in the showers so I am a little suspicious of their motives. I am not sure they have the best interests of the game at heart…..However, we all agreed we will ban spitting and doing that ‘snot’ thing out of your noses.
There was some talk yesterday in the office – yes, I’m going to be a part-time manager. It can be done (not by Harry Redknapp, as some have suggested, as he needs all his strength to take my beloved Spurs to the top, obviously). However, I am a woman so I can multi-task and I see no problem with doing the day job, fitting in my evening classes AND popping down to see the boys a couple of times a week.Anyway, the talk in the office (with my MALE colleagues) centred around my lack of knowledge of the game, in particular, tactics.
Look, ok, it’s true, I am not an expert on football tactics. I know what the word ‘formation means’ and I know you have to beat the other side. I also understand the offside rule, just for the record, although I’ll probably ignore that as it seems to stop a lot of goals getting in. No, I don’t know everything about football. But I do like being in charge of things. And I can spot potential. And I know how to motivate people. Personally, I think that is what we need now.
I leave you with a quote from the late, great Brian Clough, one of my favourite ever football managers (apart from Ron Manager, pictured below):
“Players lose you games, not tactics. There’s so much crap talked about tactics by people who barely know how to win at dominoes.”
So, bring it on!
I shall be announcing my team later this week. Providing I haven’t got bored and given the job to someone else in favour of becoming a ballerina or something……..