Tag Archives: Humour

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. As long as she is wearing glasses

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I used to know a woman, a mother of one of my friends.  She was getting on a bit (well, to me she was, at that time – she was probably only about ten years or so older than I am now!) and she applied her eye make up dreadfully

She would use eye liner and a thick, black, uneven line wobbled it’s way across her eyelids.  It looked as if she had applied her make up in the dark

I wondered at the time if she knew, or cared, how she looked but I now understand why she did this

She was LONG-SIGHTED

Meaning, she couldn’t see anything up close

How do I know this?

Because I am now very badly afflicted with the same thing

I’ve had to wear glasses for reading for about ten years now and they have got stronger and stronger.  I can’t read without them, I can’t text or use my phone without them, I can’t do anything much that requires me to look closely at something without them

And this includes applying my make up

Each morning I put it on and think it looks fine

When I put my reading glasses on and look in the mirror, it’s actually quite SCARY, like a macabre clown’s make up

I have an uneven squiggle of eye liner and sploshes of mascara on my cheekbones…..

I spend the next few minutes trying to correct my mistakes through a fuzzy blur – not easy

I bought some glasses that were designed for people with this problem.  The lenses ‘flipped’ down individually so you could look through one whilst applying the make up to the other eye

Ingenious

But useless.  They never worked, they just got in the way

I suppose one solution would be to abandon the idea of wearing eye liner.  It would certainly solve the problem of badly applied make up

But that makes me feel as if I am giving in to being old

I’ll be letting my hair grow out to it’s natural colour next

And taking Sanatogen

I can’t be growing old just yet

Maybe I’ll just wear shades all the time

Tablet addiction

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We are off on holiday in a few days time, to Porto Santo for the week.  I am very much looking forward to it and I have started to think what I might need to take with me.

Not clothes, or shoes, or bags (obviously I need all of those)

But GADGETS

I have my Blackberry

My iTouch

My dictaphone

But I feel I need something more

I need an iPad2, that’s what I need

Well, I don’t NEED it, I just want one, so that I can keep up my PostaDay2011 challenge

I know I could blog from my BB or from the iTouch but both are a bit small and fiddly and anyway, I want an iPad2…..

However, I can’t really justify the £400 odd it will cost me right now

So today I had a little ‘test play’ with the AISC tablet that KD bought recently, for a fraction of the cost

The reviews were very good

But I can’t get the hang of it at all

Admittedly I have zero patience with things like this

So, I will either have to persevere

Or buy an iPad, like NOW

Or have a week off blogging

Hmmmm…….

Stinky Dog Breath Dog

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I was kept awake half the night last night by the dog.  Well, his breath to be more precise 

It is AWFUL at the moment

Dog breath, in fact

He’s old and his teeth (what teeth he still has) are bad, apart from a few on the bottom

He has had two lots of dental treatment over the last few years and has lost about half of them and now, the remaining few seem to be on the way out as well

He has a gum infection as well and the smell of his breath is quite, quite unbearable 

It fills the room, the house in fact

So, today he went to the vet

He has been booked in for a dental hygiene and I wonder if he will return with any teeth left

The dentist recommends we brush his teeth daily in the meantime to minimise the risk of decay

Well I told him the plan

He just wasn’t having any of it

Although he has promised to floss regularly from now on

And to eat an apple a day

Virtual footprints

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We hear a lot about carbon footprints these days but what about virtual footprints?

I’ve just signed up to another site which requires a username and password 

I was thinking how many websites or email accounts I have subscribed to or created in my years of internet surfing 

I don’t think I could count how many places I have signed up to, there are so many 

I have three Yahoo accounts, two Hotmail addresses, and various other defunct ones that I stopped using for one reason or another 

Not to mention blogging sites, shopping sites, Facebook, Twitter, LOADS of dating sites that I no longer go on and, oh the list is endless……

I know I have joined places, created handles and then forgotten all about them.  But my username, or account, is probably still there, floating about in the ether….

I’m surprised the internet is still working, the amount of handles of mine there are out there

I bet you are the same

I swear that’s why it is slow sometimes.   The internet is almost full up!!!

Imagine if that happens?  Imagine if the internet became full?

We’d have to go back to using pen and paper, snail mail, using the phone – TALKING!!!

I don’t think I could cope!

Spring Onions

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I’ve been trying to get the hang of my lovely new camera this weekend, my birthday present from KD

It’s very technical and I don’t pretend to understand how to use it but

with a bit of guidance from my daughter’s boyfriend

I am starting to learn how to do different things with it

I therefore give you

SPRING ONIONS!!!!

Mod Dog

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The dog was asking how my blogging was going and I said, “Yeah, it’s ok thanks – coming along nicely”.

So he wanted to take a look.

“Wot you need is annuver pic of me, mum, the punters will love that”

I told him my blog wasn’t all about him and to start his own if he wanted people to look at him.  

But he wasn’t having any of it and insisted that I post up this shot of him, taken a couple of years ago when he was going through his ‘mod’ phase

(His Lambretta was parked just out of shot)

The Seven Second Stare

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A friend of mine is having trouble with men.  Well, the main trouble is she doesn’t have one.  For a date I mean, not for general purposes….

She is beginning to despair and says her flirting techniques are responsible for her lack of success

So, ever the helpful friend, I suggested she tries the old ‘seven second stare’ trick

Now, I can’t remember who came up with this theory, a psychologist somewhere, but the idea is that if you can hold someone’s gaze for seven seconds, you’ve got them.  When I say ‘got them’ I mean, you have made a connection and it is much more likely that the encounter will go further.  In other words – you’ve pulled

It is actually quite difficult to maintain eye contact with someone for that long – try it – but the theory says, if you are attracted to someone and they you, and you do the seven second stare, you will pull (or something like that, I can’t remember the exact rules).  Anyway, basically, seven seconds is the critical time period for attracting a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if you are that way inclined)

A  few words of warning for those of you wishing to try this though

DON’T STARE. There is a profound difference between GAZING at someone and STARING.  If they don’t return your gaze after seven seconds, give up.  Otherwise you are liable to be arrested for harassment or stalking

DON’T do this when drunk.  It is rather difficult to focus so you may well end up cross-eyed.  Not an attractive look….

DON’T do this to people you don’t fancy.   That awkward moment when you have to tell them you thought they were someone else is not one you want to experience

However, if you choose your ‘target’ carefully, follow the rules and do the seven second stare, you will have a date in no time

Trust me

It really works!!!

Go on – try it!!!  You know you want to now!!!

Paper fans of the world unite!!!

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This site allows you to see the stats for your blog, that is, it tells you how many views per day, what posts have had most views and comments, etc.  All very interesting

But the statistic I find most fascinating is the search engine statistic

I have discovered that there are a surprisingly large number of people worldwide who put in the search term STATIONERY

And I don’t just mean in English.  I’ve had all sorts, Arabic, Vietnamese – all googling stationery in their own language (I know because I’ve used the translate button to see what they’ve been searching) and finding their way to my blog

Who would have thought that stationery was so popular?  I wrote about my own love of paper a while ago –  Wanna buy some…..paper?

Well, I thought I was the only  one with a paper fetish!

OBVIOUSLY NOT!!!!

The contents of my handbag…..

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I was rummaging around for something (again) in my handbag yesterday when it occurred to me that it probably isn’t like your average girlie handbag…..

Yes, it is impossible to find anything in there, so in that respect it is similar

And yes, there is the obligatory lipstick (three in fact) and a blusher in one of the side pockets – and of course my purse – but, apart from that, it is unusual for a ladybag

In fact, it is more like the inside of Curry’s (electrical store for those who may not know)

1. Digital camera (pink) – ready for those spontaneous photo shoots

2. iTouch – in case I have to hang around somewhere and need to play Angry Birds

3. Dictaphone – for all my random thoughts

4. Work mobile – for work, obviously

5. Personal mobile – err, for personal use

Then we have the collection of ART equipment, in case I see a view that NEEDS to be sketched immediately – sketch book, pens, a range of pencils and an eraser

I also have the ‘BAG WITHIN A BAG’ in there.   An ingenious little device, designed so that the contents of your bag are always neatly organised in whatever bag you are using – the idea being you simply transfer everything from one big bag to another as it is neatly packed into the ‘bag within a bag’

Since I can never be arsed to rummage through my bag cupboard (too painful, it’s where the gorgeous, sparkly high heels I can never wear live – I can’t look at them, it makes me sad) and the contents of the ‘bag within a bag’ have spilled out into the BIG HANDBAG, it is really not doing its job too well

The pink Filofax also takes up a fair bit of room but is obviously essential and then there are the THREE pairs of glasses I have to carry with me – one pair for driving, one for reading and a snazzy pair of prescription sunglasses in case the sun should ever come out while I am driving along, which it has only done twice so far this year since I got them, by the way!!!

Add an assortment of leaflets, tissues, receipts, some Gaviscon, a drug-testing kit, my ID badge and some boiled sweets and there you have it

My handbag……

Clippy cloppies

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As I mentioned previously, I went into London on Saturday for a lovely meal.  We had a thoroughly good evening, eating lovely food and drinking lovely wine and generally pretending we do this sort of thing all the time

Anyway, the usual problem of what to wear on my feet presented itself when I was deciding what to wear

I have LOADS of pairs of shoes – a cupboard full

But hardly any I can wear

The trouble is, I have never been very good in heels.  My feet must be naturally flat because arches give me pain and the balls of my feet scream in agony if I am wearing anything with a heel more than half an inch

Obviously, when I was younger, I ignored the pain and suffered for the sake of fashion.  But, as I have matured, comfort has replaced beauty and I wear flatties all the time.  That’s not to say I don’t have some very nice flat shoes and sandals but sometimes you really do need a heel to finish off an outfit

But I just can’t cope with them.  I totter along and complain loudly that my feet hurt.  I have to drink a lot of alcohol to numb the pain (which usually results in a bit of staggering, thus making the high heels even more difficult to walk in) and the whole evening is overshadowed by the pain in my feet……I’ve more or less given up now, it’s not worth the agony

Which means I have an entire cupboard full of gorgeous, sparkly high-heeled shoes, hardly worn and unwearable.  They are simply there to GAZE at now

I also have an excellent pair of walking boots I bought earlier this year

They have NEVER been worn