Category Archives: Humor

Checking in!

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Well, I haven’t been able to keep up my post a day for the last couple of days because I am on holiday

However, the hotel has wi-fi AND free internet, except we can’t work out where the @ is on the keyboard and the wi-fi is a bit erratic so I won’t be posting daily.  Oh, plus I am having a rather nice time without the internet, as it happens!

More on my holiday when I return I think, with photos.

For now, I’ll just say I am using my brand new APPLE MAC AIR netbook to send this.

This is probably my most expensive spontaneous purchase to date, I bought it at the airport.  I was going to get an iPad2 but when I saw this, I just melted and HAD to have it.

Thank goodness for credit cards, that’s all I can say

I had a moment of regret when I realised I could have paid for my next holiday with what this cost me but it was short-lived as this is, without a doubt, the most marvellous gadget I have yet bought

So, I may blog again while I’m here.

There is certainly lot’s to blog about…..

Missing Smelly

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The dog has gone on holiday today. He is spending the week with his nana while we go away

He seems to like it, we have no problem leaving him and he never phones us while we are away, pleading to come home

It is very strange here at home without him though

It’s amazing how much a part of your life a dog is

We had nobody to give our crusts to

There was no warm ball of fur for me to rest my feet on while watching the TV tonight

And we had to bark at the ice cream van as it drove past tonight because he wasn’t here to do it

I miss my smelly dog!!!!

Geography is not my strong point

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We are off on holiday (vacation to my American readers) on Monday.  I can’t wait!

This time we are going somewhere completely new to us.  So new that we actually thought we were going somewhere else……

Yes.  We decided to go to Portugal this time.  So, we looked it up, picked what sounded like a lovely hotel, nice and quiet, lovely golden sands, blah, blah blah…and booked it

Not really having any idea whereabouts in Portugal we might be staying, we Google Earthed the resort

The ‘resort’ turned out to be a tiny little PORTUGUESE ISLAND just north of MADEIRA which, as we all know is North of the CANARY ISLANDS

Not Portugal at all!!! Nowhere NEAR Portugal in fact!!

Anyway, on further investigation, this little island, Porto Santo, looks delightful – 5km by 9km, unspoilt beaches one side and rugged coastline the other.  And sea.  Lots of sea……

So, off we are going to Porto Santo next week

I am really looking forward to it!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. As long as she is wearing glasses

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I used to know a woman, a mother of one of my friends.  She was getting on a bit (well, to me she was, at that time – she was probably only about ten years or so older than I am now!) and she applied her eye make up dreadfully

She would use eye liner and a thick, black, uneven line wobbled it’s way across her eyelids.  It looked as if she had applied her make up in the dark

I wondered at the time if she knew, or cared, how she looked but I now understand why she did this

She was LONG-SIGHTED

Meaning, she couldn’t see anything up close

How do I know this?

Because I am now very badly afflicted with the same thing

I’ve had to wear glasses for reading for about ten years now and they have got stronger and stronger.  I can’t read without them, I can’t text or use my phone without them, I can’t do anything much that requires me to look closely at something without them

And this includes applying my make up

Each morning I put it on and think it looks fine

When I put my reading glasses on and look in the mirror, it’s actually quite SCARY, like a macabre clown’s make up

I have an uneven squiggle of eye liner and sploshes of mascara on my cheekbones…..

I spend the next few minutes trying to correct my mistakes through a fuzzy blur – not easy

I bought some glasses that were designed for people with this problem.  The lenses ‘flipped’ down individually so you could look through one whilst applying the make up to the other eye

Ingenious

But useless.  They never worked, they just got in the way

I suppose one solution would be to abandon the idea of wearing eye liner.  It would certainly solve the problem of badly applied make up

But that makes me feel as if I am giving in to being old

I’ll be letting my hair grow out to it’s natural colour next

And taking Sanatogen

I can’t be growing old just yet

Maybe I’ll just wear shades all the time

Stinky Dog Breath Dog

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I was kept awake half the night last night by the dog.  Well, his breath to be more precise 

It is AWFUL at the moment

Dog breath, in fact

He’s old and his teeth (what teeth he still has) are bad, apart from a few on the bottom

He has had two lots of dental treatment over the last few years and has lost about half of them and now, the remaining few seem to be on the way out as well

He has a gum infection as well and the smell of his breath is quite, quite unbearable 

It fills the room, the house in fact

So, today he went to the vet

He has been booked in for a dental hygiene and I wonder if he will return with any teeth left

The dentist recommends we brush his teeth daily in the meantime to minimise the risk of decay

Well I told him the plan

He just wasn’t having any of it

Although he has promised to floss regularly from now on

And to eat an apple a day

Virtual footprints

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We hear a lot about carbon footprints these days but what about virtual footprints?

I’ve just signed up to another site which requires a username and password 

I was thinking how many websites or email accounts I have subscribed to or created in my years of internet surfing 

I don’t think I could count how many places I have signed up to, there are so many 

I have three Yahoo accounts, two Hotmail addresses, and various other defunct ones that I stopped using for one reason or another 

Not to mention blogging sites, shopping sites, Facebook, Twitter, LOADS of dating sites that I no longer go on and, oh the list is endless……

I know I have joined places, created handles and then forgotten all about them.  But my username, or account, is probably still there, floating about in the ether….

I’m surprised the internet is still working, the amount of handles of mine there are out there

I bet you are the same

I swear that’s why it is slow sometimes.   The internet is almost full up!!!

Imagine if that happens?  Imagine if the internet became full?

We’d have to go back to using pen and paper, snail mail, using the phone – TALKING!!!

I don’t think I could cope!

Spring Onions

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I’ve been trying to get the hang of my lovely new camera this weekend, my birthday present from KD

It’s very technical and I don’t pretend to understand how to use it but

with a bit of guidance from my daughter’s boyfriend

I am starting to learn how to do different things with it

I therefore give you

SPRING ONIONS!!!!

Mod Dog

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The dog was asking how my blogging was going and I said, “Yeah, it’s ok thanks – coming along nicely”.

So he wanted to take a look.

“Wot you need is annuver pic of me, mum, the punters will love that”

I told him my blog wasn’t all about him and to start his own if he wanted people to look at him.  

But he wasn’t having any of it and insisted that I post up this shot of him, taken a couple of years ago when he was going through his ‘mod’ phase

(His Lambretta was parked just out of shot)

The Seven Second Stare

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A friend of mine is having trouble with men.  Well, the main trouble is she doesn’t have one.  For a date I mean, not for general purposes….

She is beginning to despair and says her flirting techniques are responsible for her lack of success

So, ever the helpful friend, I suggested she tries the old ‘seven second stare’ trick

Now, I can’t remember who came up with this theory, a psychologist somewhere, but the idea is that if you can hold someone’s gaze for seven seconds, you’ve got them.  When I say ‘got them’ I mean, you have made a connection and it is much more likely that the encounter will go further.  In other words – you’ve pulled

It is actually quite difficult to maintain eye contact with someone for that long – try it – but the theory says, if you are attracted to someone and they you, and you do the seven second stare, you will pull (or something like that, I can’t remember the exact rules).  Anyway, basically, seven seconds is the critical time period for attracting a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if you are that way inclined)

A  few words of warning for those of you wishing to try this though

DON’T STARE. There is a profound difference between GAZING at someone and STARING.  If they don’t return your gaze after seven seconds, give up.  Otherwise you are liable to be arrested for harassment or stalking

DON’T do this when drunk.  It is rather difficult to focus so you may well end up cross-eyed.  Not an attractive look….

DON’T do this to people you don’t fancy.   That awkward moment when you have to tell them you thought they were someone else is not one you want to experience

However, if you choose your ‘target’ carefully, follow the rules and do the seven second stare, you will have a date in no time

Trust me

It really works!!!

Go on – try it!!!  You know you want to now!!!